My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
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*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
6: are snakes just neck?
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
How I like cutting carbs
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him