Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
#damn
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”