“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
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I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.