My blood type is b hungry.
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[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
She was REALLY feeling it.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?