My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
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I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password