i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
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Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.