If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
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“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja