[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
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*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
She: I like Cats
He:
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Optional boss fight.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.