Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
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[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
The prophecy is fulfilled
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?