I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
You Might Also Like
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
#Caturday
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I want this so bad
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.