Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
lmao
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.