[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
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Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.