The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Think I pulled my liver
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.