*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
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Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry