Aight bet
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DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.