I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
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art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Meanwhile in Canada…
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.