Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
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Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”