In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
The options really are this bad
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.