The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.