Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
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I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!