Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
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“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened