*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.