*cough*
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Netflix and you sit over there.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately