Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
birds and squirrels envy us
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.