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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Nice try, NASA
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
my mom making me talk to relatives
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.