Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Chicago sounds lovely.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?