Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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#merica
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has