My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
You Might Also Like
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
The two types of wives
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur