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The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
How funny!
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.