My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
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Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I am all good here, 😂😉
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
can’t wait til they legalize outside
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!