Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
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They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?