Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
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Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Me My dog
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
*offers Batman cough drops*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?