Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
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My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN