Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
saw this in a dream
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.