How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
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I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.