always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
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Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia