The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
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GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Why is this me 😫
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores