Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
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*3.5 thank you very much.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers