April 1st is the class clown of days.
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I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”