🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Does your wife know you’re single?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.