Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
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Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!