[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
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When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.