Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I cannot stop laughing at this
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I occasionally drink every single night.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese