how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
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Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls