I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
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Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I already tried new things thanks.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd