My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Love is in the air fryer.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.