Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
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*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Your secret is safeish with me
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said