Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
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Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
where the womens at?
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.