“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
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I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood