What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?